have you ever woke up with so manyyyy issues on your mind and you dont know where to start.. welcome to my life.
so if anyones reading ive had a tough few years, divorced, diagnosed with cancer, in pain physically and emotionally for the last 3 years lol
On thursday i had my monthly check up and got the news i was most dreading to hear, the pressure is so out of control in my eye the doctor has decided to remove it and take away one of the parts of me that looks into the world with amazement. Sure theres worse of people dealing with cancer and my whole heart goes out to them but it bugs me that ive went through radiotherapy, constant pain, drops and tablets every day for them to turn around 2 years later and say that they cant do any more and its going.
Im trying to deal with it and trying to be strong for everyone around me but its tearing me apart inside, the worst thing is that i have sight back all be it really blurry and faded but its still sight, i seen my daughter born with these eyes, seen the first crowd i played in front of and its going to miss out on so many more things.
Maybe im just feeling sorry for myself and my head is saying shut up ron man up and deal with it but my heart is saying dont take away a part of me, :(
but yeh within the next five weeks ill be going in to hospital to face my worst fear.
Its times like this when ive seen the effects of cancer, seen it take soo many good people i know and i see soo many tottally spectacular people around me dealing with it that i wish that a cure could be found, not just a quick fix but that instead of greedy politicians and people of power spending money on worthless expensive things the world could concentrate on the most important thing in this earth, the people because after all without people there would be no expensive cars and boats, no expensive laptops and mobile phones, at the end of the day all we are is love.
I really need to start posting more on here, seems like a lifetime from when i was last on.
Festive period on a whole has been good quality time with family is always a good one, had a few days of watching dvds with some nibbles and generaly being lazy, played a little open mic night on boxing day too which was fun and exciting.
Otherwise everything seems to be going good which im nervous about because with my life there always ends up being a catch somewhere along the line either that or my lucks changing for the better, anyways im not complaining, College life is good, making music is awesome and living my dream is amazing.
2011 is going to be great im going to be organising an open mic night with my good friend Smart and organising small gigs here and there too along with college gigs and my bands gigs. :D i hope 2011 will be awesome for everyone too .
Hellooooooooo :) i havent updated this in a whilleeee my bad, ive been busy sleeping or doing music.
This is the way i want my life to go now, its like the blood flowing through my vains, music is now my life, ive decided :)
College is going awesomely ive been passing all the exams and generally just having the best times of my life so far :)
IM IN A BANDDDD AGAINNN!!! yes thats right a proper band Me, Smart,Laura and Stevoo, together we are IMPERFECT. such an awesome band name, with awesome people in it with good souls.
I thank God that my life is going the direction in which i want it now, everythings going good for once in my life. Id never thought id see the day where i actually looked forward to getting up and climb over the wall i placed around me around my emotions to protect them, im letting go of the past finally im looking to the future and it looks like its going to be amazing because im going to make it that way :)
Ill end this of a few words to make people think or smile or both hopefully!!
wellll alls good here ive had 3 full days of painless living :) It feels good to be alive and having life go well for a change.
Ive spent the last 2 days painting an old guitar i had and fixing cars for my dad to sell on, fun fun :) lol I love fixing borken things or making things my own thats what makes me me. Off college all week so ill get time to study and write some new songs. There’s a really nice place 2 mins walk away from my house its a loch ( small lake ;) ) and when the suns setting the birds cheep away and its perfectly silent thats where i get most of my inspiration, i take my guitar and sit on a small wall and just play.
Ill post up a picyture of my guitar after this for you to see and when ive got some new songs recorded ill post them up too.
Lifes good, i just need someone to share it with now. hehe
ok, my turn for the tough question...lol. I see you are battling cancer. Would I be completely out of line to ask what type and how long have you been fighting? Most importantly how are you feeling now? Ok so it's like 3 questions in one you get two more lol. ; )
Your not out of line at all :)
I was diagnosed with an Ocular Melanoma, its basically just a tumour in my eye, my right eye hee it was the full size of the inside and kinda poked through the coloured part of my eye, its extremely rare in my age group and its usually associated with people between 60 and 80. That was last year around June, i went for an eye test because i could see a shadow on the corner of my sight, the guy went as white as a sheet wrote a letter sealed it and sent me to the nearest hospital, after about 7 doctors looking in my eye i got reffered to a specialist in Glasgow who told me exactly what the options were, they couldnt operate is it might bleed and spread so i had proton beam therapy in liverpool which is about a 5 hour drive from me in October last year, theres only 7 machines in the world so im lucky theres one in the UK.
sooo its been just over a year, its shrunk down by two thirds now and im still having bad and good days, the pain was unbearable to start off with( i was on a cocktail of painkillers, steroids and eye drops) my head felt like a constant migraine and my eye stung like i had a million grains of sand in it but i just always kept faith in me, the fact that i want to live overcame everything, i think thats what fighting cancer is, keeping strong keeping alive.
I lost a good few friends through it as they didnt know what to say or do but there loss :P im still here im still fighting. Its not gonna beat me it was just a wake up call to live my life the way i should with a smile upon my face and passion and love in my heart :)
The only physical effects to the start was tiredness and i lost my bottom eyelashes after the treatment, i could sleep all day and all night and still be tired the next day, my sense of perception went too i was walking into walls and tripping over things, walking into people, made me laugh hehe.
But now i have a little sight back, im back driving, doing everything i usually do, i still get tired but i just keep going hoping no-body notices.
Hope that covers it but ask away if ive missed out anything lol :P
Hmmm today today whats happening in my life today…
Soooo it was one of those days where i just didnt want to get out of my bed. The dull glow of the sun coming through my window and the feeling of cold seeping through the glass just wasnt appealing lol.
After around half an hour i re-opened my eyes to see nothing but shadows….but i still smiled as always as i could feel my heart pounding away in my chest.
This was at around 6am i always go to bed late and get up early because im afraid i wont wake up but hey i always do theres no stopping me wooooo :)
Soo there i was sitting cigarette in one hand ( my only vice) and the ashtray in the other so i dont miss. Eventually i can see its like someone’s turned a light on in my head always makes me feel happy and then i got ready for college. I actually love doing something i love each day now, not the same old monotonous crap i used to do.
So college it was good, practice tests on scales and intervals, mini presentations complete with Ron humour where appropriate, i just cant resist.
then homeeeee my dads been buying cars and so have I to make a little money so as i type theres 7 cars in our drive, 2 are mine, one is my sisters, ones my mums, my dad has 3. Madnesssss lol
So now im on here till i eventually cant stay awake any longer then up for the best day of the week band practice and recording :)
Still longing for that someone special to keep me safe of the female variety but im sure she will come along soon.
Thats about it really my random ramblings are finnished for today!
My favourite song at the moment..For those of you who dont know who Biffy are they are one of the many talented awesome bands from Scotland..if you dont know them you should :)
